make it hurt

so many things

2006-11-01T19:47:00.000-08:00

There are so many things that I have never forgotten, but that I have chosen not to remember.

I looked out of a hazy window after I got up from a too-hard futon and I saw Queens. Outside was grey, and the air inside was cold. I can't remember what happened for the rest of that day, but I remember knowing that it would be the last time I would believe in us.

You sat across from me in the dim light of the restaurant, and you seemed nervous. I drank a lot of Pinot, to keep me talking.

We ran drunk in the streets and pushed each other into filth. We made a pit stop in the middle of City Housing Projects to lean on a wrought-iron fence and make out for a minute or three. I have never done something that warranted my being stabbed so carelessly before in my life. The air was freezing, but I was warm. I could blame it on the drinks.

I put glitter on you, you kissed me. You were dressed as the devil.

You were.

And now, here we are. And here I go, forgetting what it felt like to not believe.

Awake.

2006-07-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

For all of the times you have said "thank you", I can never return the words enough for you bringing me back.

I smile now, I laugh. People tell me I look different.

I do.

I look like I used to, way back. Back when things were easy.

Because you make being happy easy. You just are.

Simple. Unadulterated.

You've reminded me what it was like to touch without lust, beacause you touch with such care.

Thanks for the wake up call.

"Around You" -Gabriel&Dresden

2006-07-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

"Help me...the rejection; take it all way. I made my decision...hiding in a doorway, praying for some midnight bright. Everybody wants you, everybody needs to. Makes no difference who you've got...around you. Were you too messed up to notice? I've been awake. Everybody wants you, and everybody's had you. Makes no difference who you've got....around you. Everybody needs to have a little piece of you, before they fade away. Yeah every body wants you, and everybody's had you. Makes no difference who you've got...around you. 'Cause every body needs to...have a little piece of you...before they fade away. Around you."

About this.

2006-06-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

I slept there, and I felt your heat and I was perfect
Your words in my ear made me smile
They made me want you

The way your eyes make me want you
When you smile at me and your ego washes away
Because for a few minutes we both know why we're here

We walk to a million places and I know no one
You tell them I'm your boyfriend and I'm scared
Because I want nothing more than you

I wouldn't want to be called anyone else's
Couldn't want to belong to anyone else, feel anyone else
Because I love the way we feel

You're scared of forever and a day
And I'm scared of never
As long as we both know what we want today

I wake up and you're sleeping
You smell like last night and you're so very naked
And I wouldn't have it any other way

For the rest of the day I thought about you
About that moment, and all of those before it

You make me want you

Fortune Cookie, March 16th, '06: "Happy life is just in front of you."

2006-03-16T17:47:00.000-08:00

My walls still have that line at the top, where I can't reach in order to paint all the way to the ceiling without doing a sloppy job. I can't fucking get up there. I guess I could, but I would have to buy a ladder at K-Mart, use it, then return it. I don't return things, it's embarassing.

I still take walks for no reason - always to the same places. I pass stores I know well, and I see all of the things I don't care to buy. Sometimes I am sweaty and tan, sometimes I am pink with cold wind and general irritation, but I always walk. I pass all of the stores along 8th Avenue and soak up the faggotry. I pass the bars and look inside, but just to see who's looking. I wouldn't bother trying to eyeball someone inside a gay bar in Chelsea. I'm still a big snob.

I have new flowers in my apartment. I bought a seeds-in-a-box kit and they have sprouted, but I will always have those cat-gnawed, "I'm still surviving on the nutrients provided only by New York City tap water and a glass vase" bamboo shoots. Some things always stick around.

There are drawers full of papers, cards, and notes that I have aquired throughout the literal entirety of my post-pubescent life. I can't seem to throw a lot of it away. There are notes from first boyfriends ever, notes from high school wannabe first girlfriends, cards from Momma Dukes, and a bunch of receipts for shit that I will never even know I had.

Photographs hang on my wall of people I don't call anymore.

I'm waiting for something to come along and make me take pictures again. The drawers beg for more seemingly useless scraps of paper with ink strewn about them. They'll only mean something to me. Everything is waiting patiently to be moved around, painted, and noticed again. Nothing will scream for its due attention.

People have come in, and people have left.

The pictures on the wall have remained the same.

I'll save the thin white strip of paper stamped red with my fortune, because I always save the good ones. I'll put it in my wallet.

Some things always stick around.

-j

Time

2006-03-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you wake up from dreaming, and sometimes you wake up while conscious.

I have been through so many things in my life, I often find myself wondering what there could possibly be coming at me next. I sit around and I wait. I placate myself with what lies between the big events in my life. I am open with my distaste for mediocrity, and still I allow it to fill so much of my existence.

So simple.

2005-06-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

There's not much I want from you, but I do want it all.

I want you to finish what you're doing, and be the best, because it's in you. It may sound odd, but I am somehow immensely proud that you're following your dream and your heart. It reminds me that I can do the same, and you've inspired me to push my life even harder.

I want to never stop hearing the things you say. You say anything and everything, and get me to do the same. You've told me things I don't know I could speak about, and one day I hope you'll get to hear everything in me; all of the reasons and things that have made me the person you know and the person you may understand. I want you to know.

I want to feel everything; to feel the way my head spins when your hand hits my side to rest a while. The way your voice sounds in the morning, next to mine. The anger of the first big fight, and the heat afterwards. I want to feel you and your everything.

I want to forget everyone that's made a scar on my heart. I want you to erase them. I'll only be able to forgive them for not being you.

I want you to be no one but you, because if I wanted anyone else, you'd know by now. Don't dress up for me, don't hold back, don't be the rest. Just be you.

-j

2005-05-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

get me.

get on me.
take me.
make me yours.

i'm open.
you're in.
just take me,
don't break me.
don't run again.

stay here,
right by me.
believe me,
you need me

to make you scream again.
-j

untitled.

2005-04-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

the way your lips used to hit mine
always strong
always soft
your cologne on my pillows
my sheets
me
the way my heart would pound
waking up to your heat
losing everything else in your presence
my heart is beating deeper
harder
remembering you
and the way you made me

-j